50 Reasons Why Allen Wants a New Master
by Orange-Moon-Goddess
Summary: In which nothing makes sense, Cross is a madman and kills everyone in the series; Timcanpy does nothing, fruit becomes evil, and the feminists are supposedly going to take over the world. But wait, there's more! Read now to see Allen suffer as his master puts him through hilarious hell fifty times, and only for ten payments of whatever is in your bank right now. Or a review. R&R?
1. Chapter 1

#1: Because Cross Stole His Leftovers

A/N: Alright, just starting a new series :) I guess it could be related to my 101 Attempts, only this one is shorter and less (or more) insane. I can also do a lot more with this, so I'm sort of excited.

._.

Allen yawned as he entered the kitchen in the morning. His stomach was growling and he was pretty sure it wanted to kill him, so he opened the fridge and searched the shelves to look for his leftovers from the last night. He was surprised he had leftovers in the first place; usually he ate everything within a fifty-mile radius. But yesterday they had gone to some nice restaurant and Allen had been (somehow) unable to finish his plate.

Cross had been shocked. His hookers had been shocked. The waiters, manager, chefs and news crew had all been unable to believe that ALLEN WALKER was full for once. Allen didn't really see what the big deal was. Yeah, sure, he was almost always hungry, but there was no need to overreact to him having leftovers.

Speaking of leftovers, he couldn't find his. Allen had even doodled all over his box to protect it from being eaten by anyone else. He'd even written "Seven days" and "Toxic" and "MINE" in bold letters to stop theft. Since theft was unlikely, Allen assumed his master had seen the word "Toxic" and had thrown out his food.

"Master?" Allen called out while closing the fridge. He shuffled tiredly into the living room where he knew his master would be, and was about to ask when he saw Cross eating out of a familiar leftover-box.

Allen fell silent.

Cross looked up from the TV.

Then he looked down at the box and said "Oh."

And then Cross continued to eat it anyways.

"Master, you suck!" Allen burst into tears, his trust in his master broken forever. He stormed out of the living room, down the hallway, grabbed his shoes and jacket and then ran out the door.

Cross shrugged, certain that if Allen didn't come back for _him _(and by that, he meant to kill him out of a mad vengeance), then he would come back for food. After all, he still had last night's desert and there was no way in hell he was going to eat that by himself.

._.

Updates will be posted randomly, chances of abandonment are extremely unlikely. Read and review?

Next story idea: 69 Ways to Bother Idiot Apprentice

That's not going to go down well.


	2. He Stole My Hair Curler

Reason #2: He Stole My Hair Curler

A/N: Cross was totally jealous of Allen's hair.

There's also an author's note at the bottom, so I would read that if you're new. In fact, I would read that first if you're not familiar with my writing.

._.

Allen wasn't sure what to make of this.

To begin with, the hair curler Cross had given him for his birthday was missing. Allen was sure that Cross had mistaken him for a girl again (as was the usual case) but he had appreciated the fact that his master had gone out of his way to recognize his birthday and find a present for him. But the tampons and makeup kit and bra (with stuffing) had totally been unnecessary, even though Cross claimed these were "essential for a young lady's popularity" and that they would help "her" get ahead of the other girls.

Needless to say, the untouched box of tampons and bra had been donated to someone who actually needed it.

Anyways.

In search of the hair curler, which he found to be quite useful for styling his growing hair, Allen had entered the bathroom. He hadn't knocked since he hadn't seen a light on, but when he flipped on the switch, something strange happened. Instead of the bathroom being unoccupied as he had assumed, Cross sat in front of the mirror with scented candles (mood lights, he later claimed) and a woman's magazine on how-to-curl open in front of him. What made Allen react was the pink and black Hello Kitty curler in his master's hand, heated and being used on Cross's head.

"..."

Actually he was wordless at first. Cross turned around to look at his apprentice, looking panicked as he threw the magazine into the tub (which was filling up with hot water and pink bubbles) then shoved something that'd been on his lap into the cabinet below him, put away his bottle of wine and single glass and hid them behind the garbage can.

Cross was the first to speak, awkwardly shifting in his pink bathrobe decorated with red and white hearts. "So, uh, how long have you been standing there?" he coughed awkwardly into his elbow.

Allen closed the door.

He shook his head, confused over what he had just witnessed, then realized his master had stolen his hair curler. Allen thought about going back to reclaim it, but decided against that when he thought about returning to that strange scene. As he returned to their unfortunately shared room, the bathroom door swung open and Cross stuck his head outside to call after him.

"Idiot, where are you going?" he shouted, "didn't we agree on some female bonding today?"

What the f*ck.

"Master," Allen turned around, concerned that his master didn't know the difference between men and women, "you do know that I'm a guy, right?" He continued to back away into their room, but Cross stepped out after him.

Cross clearly didn't understand what Allen had just said, because he grabbed his apprentice by the arm to stop him from leaving. "But we agreed on female bonding! You know, mother-daughter quality time?" he dragged Allen to the bathroom, ignoring the protests against this decision. "I told you yesterday during dinner that we'd have the whole magazine reading thing, the bubble bath, talking about how we deal with coworkers we don't like-"

Suddenly it clicked in Allen's head. Cross must be confused because the fandom called him "Mama Cross," and made him do all these family fluffy moments that he would never dare to go through in real life. He felt bad for his master, he really did, but right now Allen didn't want to have anything to do with him, because he was being a f*cking nut-job. Oh, and he'd stolen his hair curler. That too.

After Allen had slipped on the bubbles on the floor and nearly been knocked unconscious, Cross took this chance to use his "fairy magic" (as he called it) to "magically" change Allen into a bathrobe. Allen glared at his master, refusing to get in the tub with him.

"You _will_ get in the tub with me," Cross folded his arms and gave Allen a look that clearly said "do-it-or-die."

"... I hate you," Allen answered.

Cross pushed Allen in the bubble bath and got in after him.

"Meh." Cross didn't care how Allen felt. He grabbed the soaked magazine and flipped open to the page he had been on. "So... what do you think about that Jacob guy from Twilight? He's cute," Cross lied, "are you interested in him?"

Allen groaned. "For the last time, I am NOT A GIRL!"

"I'm guessing you're a team Edward kind of girl, then?" Cross turned the page and frowned at the actor. "Eh, me, I guess I like men like Maria."

"Grave of Maria?" Allen sighed. His master needed someone to tell him the difference between men and women. "But 'he' is a 'she' and 'she' is dead," he pointed out.

Cross kicked Allen.

"Hey, don't judge."

Allen turned his head and looked longingly out the window, wishing he were anywhere but here.

He also wanted his hair curler back, but he doubted Cross was going to return it.

_I wonder if there's anyone else who will take me in as an apprentice,_ Allen thought to himself as his master continued to talk about guys and the hottest trends. _I really need to get out of this crazy place. _

._.

Thus began Cross's extreme gender-confusion.

A/N: In case you're just joining us and don't understand what's happening, let me give you a quick run-down. You see, in 101 Failed Attempts at Escaping Cross Marian, I have Cross confuse EVERYONE for women. Even himself. He spends so much time around women that he doesn't _understand_ the difference between him and them, no longer recognizing "men" as a gender. Something similar is going to happen here, only much worse because I feel like it.


	3. I Never Get Work Done With Him Around

Reason: Because Cross is a distraction

._.

A teenager by the name of Allen Walker was found sitting by the window and staring out into the world from inside the Black Order, sighing longingly as he returned to his work at his desk. He was in his room, alone, and with a report to give to Komui by the end of the week. Instead of being cooped up in his room, he would rather be outside training or enjoying the fresh air. While he could always just open the window, someone had put the child lock on it to stop him. Unfortunately Allen didn't know how to take it off. He didn't even think to ask for help or to punch a hole in the window. No, Allen was too busy with this report and he didn't want to do it.

A knock on the door drew his attention away from his work and he gratefully went to take part in the distraction. A little too enthusiastically, Allen opened the door to greet the person outside. Standing before him was Lavi, who seemed to be equally bored. The redhead looked exhausted, as if he had been up all night. He had dark shadows under his eyes and was slouching, though he tried to remain his cheerful self. Allen voiced his concern to his friend.

Lavi wasn't too worried about his health, though. "Nah, don't worry Moyashi-chan." He waved off the matter and glanced around nervously as if looking out for someone. "Can I come in? I need somewhere to hide so I can slack off."

Completely sympathizing with Lavi's cause, Allen let his friend inside and closed the door after him. "I know how you feel; I've been up trying to put a dent in my report, but I keep drawing up a blank. I only got one paragraph in so far," Allen complained as he returned to his desk by the window. Lavi plopped down on Allen's bed and took out the white-haired boy's diary from under the pillow. Since Lavi had done so before and never told a soul, Allen let him. It wasn't like he even wrote much anyways.

Allen returned to his report reluctantly and glanced at the rubric which explained what he needed to include in his paper. It was just like being in high school and trying to type a detailed lab report when he had never had any experience with the subject, lab writing, didn't know how to use the computer and much less type with the keyboard. The urge to set himself on fire at that moment was strong.

The bookman junior hummed and rolled around on Allen's bed, holding the diary above him in the air. He sat up abruptly and closely re-read a part several times before he spoke. "You never told me about the party! What the hell Moyashi?"

Allen groaned. "That wasn't a party, Lavi. That was my master throwing a party in my room without my consent and then making my ass a piñata."

Lavi snickered as he scanned the later details of said event. "What, no candy?" he grinned and Allen chucked his shoe at him. The shoe soared over Lavi's head and Allen made note to improve his aim somehow. "Haha, you suck. Wish I could have been at that party though. I bet I would have died laughing watching everyone chase after your bum with a baseball bat." He turned the page in Allen's diary to read the next entry.

"WOAH, what the f**k?" Lavi started laughing uncontrollably following his outburst, throwing the diary across the room and hitting the wall with a "thump." Allen watched his friend roll off of his bed and on the floor, laughing with tears from whatever he had just read. Allem didn't know what possibly could have made Lavi laugh, because he made sure not to put anything embarrassing in his entries (those went in his video diaries). In fact, most of his entries said things like "this and that happened today."

Instead of stepping on his friend to get him to stop, Allen took off his other shoe and threw it at the redhead. Lavi let out a shout and clutched his head calling Allen a "moyashi" for doing that.

The two teenagers began to bicker but were cut off by someone knocking on the door. As Allen tried to answer, Lavi grabbed his ankle and pulled him down. Allen tripped and glared at his friend, then proceeded to kick him in the face. Because that was exactly what he deserved. Allen broke free and straightened himself before opening the door to see who was there. While Allen was polite and decided to smile, his face changed quickly when he saw who it was in front of him. He slammed the door shut and walked away.

Curiously, Lavi got up to look through the peephole. He snickered and tip-toed away to bother Allen.

"Your master is here, Moyashi," he said and sat down on top of Allen's desk. Allen pushed him off and fixed his papers. "What, aren't you going to go talk to him? You know he doesn't mean half-" Lavi cut himself and corrected himself, "hell, he doesn't know a thing he _ever_ does." Allen groaned at the thought of another friendship speech and tapped his fingers on his desk impatiently. "But, he does know one thing."

The door was kicked down and Lavi didn't get the chance to finish his speech. The door actually went flying straight at him and knocked him over. Like one of those creepy shaped toys that automatically get back up by themselves when knocked down. And of course Lavi got back up, he just had a huge bruise on his head (but otherwise claimed to be okay; it wasn't like it would matter if he lost a brain cell or two).

With no explanation, Cross grabbed his apprentice and dragged him away after giving Lavi a dirty look. Lavi followed behind them since what was happening was interesting in the moment. Cross shouted at the bookman junior to go away, but Lavi grabbed onto Allen's legs to help carry the body away so Cross didn't object to that.

Meanwhile, Allen was annoyed.

He really needed to find some new company.

After several sets of stairs and hallways, they finally arrived at Cross's room. Cross kicked the door down and made a path around the random melons on the floor. Allen made note to remove them later. He honestly wished the General Socalo would stop harassing Cross, because whenever Cross had a problem, Allen had a problem, and no one was happy. In fact, the melons were probably why he was even brought here.

"Okay, leave the body over there," Cross suddenly let go of Allen and pointed over to the couch facing the TV hung on the wall. Lavi dragged Allen over to said spot and complained about being bored. Annoyed with Lavi's complaints, Allen kicked him where it hurt and sent Lavi doubling over in pain. He sat on the couch by himself and waited for his master to join him.

An hour passed and Cross had finished pushing all of the melons to one side of the room. He dusted off his hands and then seemed to remember Allen was there, because he suddenly looked up to where his apprentice was. He mumbled an apology under his breath and quietly took a seat beside his apprentice, ignoring the bookman junior crumpled over in pain.

Allen was about to open his mouth when Lavi got back up and pulled up a chair to sit in front of them. Lavi was the first to speak.

"So, you know why you're here, right?" Slumping forward on his chair with his hands folded, Lavi turned to Allen to question him.

"Because master kidnapped me and you helped," Allen answered confidently.

"Wrong." Cross punched Allen on the arm and looked down at his apprentice. "We're here because you don't like me, I won't tell you how I feel, and we're not getting anywhere with that. You could call it Peer Mediation," he suggested with a shrug, "_but I like to call it 'Everyone Listens to Cross and Cross Gets What He Wants._'" The man leaned back and shoved his hands into his pockets to take out his pack of cigarettes. Without caring that he had non-smoker guests, Cross lit one and took a drag.

Since Allen was used to the exposure to smoke, he didn't even really care that his master had started smoking in front of his guests. When he tried to start the conversation again and looked at Lavi, he saw his friend holding his hand over his nose.

"Ew, smoking?" Lavi raised his eyebrows, catching Cross's attention. "That's a disgusting habit," he told Cross. "You should really consider an alternative; don't you know it's rude to smoke in front of visitors?" He shook his head and scoffed. "That's it. I'm leaving," Lavi announced and stood. "Allen, are you coming? You could always stay here and die from second-hand smoke, but I'll let you chose."

Allen was shocked by his friend's sudden change in attitude, but since it was an excuse to get out, he followed his friend out of the room. Cross ditched his cigarette and dragged Allen back inside just after Lavi left and before Allen could step out the door. Allen watched his master lock the door and sighed, then unlocked the door by himself to catch up to his friend.

In the end, they really didn't do anything, and Allen didn't make any progress in his work. Really, Cross was nothing but a distraction!

It was only one more reason to consider finding a new master.

._.

I haven't updated this in a while, so here you go :3

Hope you liked it :D

I actually almost turned this one into a '101 Attempts' at the end :\ I had to think of an ending that didn't include Allen failing in getting away from Cross O.o It's actually kind of weird to write a chapter where Allen escapes.


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